For Widows Only! is the book I needed when I was widowed!

     That's why I wrote it. It is personal, intimate, honest, and it is packed with information widows need. An early reader of the manuscript said, "This is an extraordinary book for widows, with straight from the hip girl talk that every widow will appreciate." In addition to practical nuts and bolts advice, I include my own most intimate feelings, but also those of more than 80 other widows, so the book is relevant to widows of all ages and at all stages in their grief. For Widows Only! is designed to guide grieving widows through their most anxious moments and help them find answers to their most pressing questions.

     I have wanted to write an "ideal widowhood book" since my best-friend was widowed when we were both only 29 years old. We each had three young children, so I thought I knew what she was going through. Her trials and anguish became my own. We tried at that time to develop a widow's guidebook, but our household demands, six little kids between us, and hundreds of miles that separated us won out, and the unfinished book became food for silverfish in my garage.

     When I was widowed, without warning at the age of 55, I was horrified to discover how ill-equipped I was, even after all that research years earlier, to deal with the intensity of first-hand widowhood. I realized with a jolt, that you have to actually be a widow to fully understand how widows feel. I was disappointed by the available books that purported to be widows' guides to recovery, so I felt compelled to follow through on my earlier mission. The need was still there...and now I knew exactly what needed to be in the book. I kept a journal from day one, July 6, 1991, but at about six months into my grief I began organizing what I knew would finally be that "ideal widowhood book." I hadn't anticipated that it would take several years of grieving and learning to live again, before I would get it completed, and a few more before I could get it published. It was finally available to other widows early in 2004. When I read it now, I am so glad I didn't rush. The book is much more usable and complete now than it was 8 or 10 years ago.

Click here if you think this is the book you need!      

      I divided the book into three logical sections, "What Happened?" "What Now?" and "What Next" Few new widows will wish to read straight through the book because, as a reviewer noted, "It's much too jam-packed with helpful information to be digested in one gulp." I tried to organize it in such a way that she will easily find whatever part she feels she needs when she needs it.

     In Part I, "What Happened? From Reeling to Healing," I reassure newer widows that they will survive, because most think they never will. I suggest coping skills to help as they slog their way through the confusing and painful maze of early grief and anxiety.  I tried to anticipate the readers' various needs, and apparently I succeeded for many. A recent widow from central Wisconsin said, "It was as if you were reading my mind....  Everything I had been thinking, you talked about." I present guidelines for dealing with their fears while they struggle through the steps of learning to live without their love. I still ache for newer widows who think that life will never again be worthwhile. That's why I started my support website: http://groups.msn.com/forwidowsonly There I can interact with them, and they can interact with each other. It is beautiful to watch them grow from feeling like helpless and confused little girls, to where they gently offer their own shoulder for the newer widows to cry on.

     Part II, "What Now? Living in the Present" follows with possible solutions to the most worrisome problems and questions widows face as they seek to regain stability in their lives alone. Widows face practical problems with money, insurance, taxes, etc., one day and face the fears of living alone the next. They must learn how to not be so lonely; how to be a single-parent; how to manage the house and yard alone. They must protect their health, learn to laugh and have fun for their own good. One of the hardest tasks is to maintain relationships with friends and family, both his and hers. Those relationships sometimes take a beating in early widowhood and need to be refurbished as she grows. At the end of this section I present hints for analyzing how she is doing and offer possible avenues for help, from spiritual guidance to professional counseling and widow support groups.

     In the third section, "What Next? Embarking on Your Future," my friends and I provide a framework for each widow, when she is ready, to construct a satisfying new life for herself. I present  short courses, in decision-making, assertiveness training and positive thinking. Updates of the widows we visit along the way show that many found themselves pursuing careers they had only dreamed of, or developed surprising leadership skills in volunteer positions. Widows, after surviving the rigorous stages of grief, are often reborn and face life with great optimism. They find in themselves a depth of character they didn't know they had. This is where they realize the value of having plowed through all those painful stages; through them, they have grown significantly. In this section, I also present serious thoughts about men, and present some tough cautions about dating, romance, love, sex and lifestyle choices. Those widows who take their time and move deliberately through this period will likely find surprising new lives when they are ready. As I often repeat, "It won't be the same life, but it can be a new and interesting life."

     The Epilogue: There is life after grief, even for widows includes snippets of recovered widows lives. There is some poetry, some gut-level discussion, and sunshine all over the place as these widows talk about the new lives they never thought possible. I sought to design For Widows Only! to be every widow's best friend, always there at her side for when she needs it. Some say I achieved just that.

    A psychotherapist told me, "For Widows Only! is an invaluable resource for widows. "I wish I had had it available when I was dealing with widows in my practice." I've been complimented on the forceful writing and voluminous research, but I like best that readers also find it refreshing, intimate, compassionate and intelligent. A long-time educator calls For Widows Only! "A real page-turner. Quite amazing for a widows' book." Several readers have mentioned that they had a few chuckles, when they thought they could never smile again.

      As I wrote I always tried to envision taking my readers by the hand and gently leading them through the cold, gray tunnel of grief and out the other side. I tried to use wisdom, empathy and wit to convince them that they will survive.  There is nothing more valuable than reading views from widowed "survivors" to help new widows realize they are not completely alone, that they share their scary path with millions who have not only survived, but often thrived.

      In these 300 plus pages, most widows find what they need most: hope and a helping hand. Widowers and others who grieve have been surprised to find that the book's message applies to them as well. They keep trying to get me to change the title to "NOT For Widows Only!" According to an expert in human relations, "This comprehensive book also is a must-read for anyone with a close widowed friend or relative." A retired therapist sums it up this way, "Finally, concrete help for those who grieve." A working therapist said almost exactly the same thing. and bought several copies.

     I, Annie, sure wish I had had this book handy at about four months, when I woke up with an anxiety attack and thought I was dying!
 

  Click to order now, so you'll have it when you need it.

The beautiful photo on the cover of For Widows Only! was taken by Bob, my SO (Significant Other). He snapped the shot while touring the  home and lawn of my son David and family just outside of Providence, RI. When the publisher asked for cover art, we both agreed it was perfect, the solitary, empty hammock signifying the missing man in the widow's life. When Annie's grandchildren saw the published book, they screamed in glee, "Our hammock! It's famous!" 

"From inside a dark cocoon it's hard to believe you'll ever be a butterfly."

 by Annie

* In spite of the book's exclusive sounding title, "For Widows Only!" is available to all, and has proved to be a treasured friend for many others who have suffered personal losses, male and female, widow(er)ed and not.

** For this website, and for the book that inspired it, "widow" is intended to include anyone who has lost a mate through death. For the Support Site, we restrict participation to widows (women who have been married and those who have not).