Peek Inside the Book

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Peek Inside the Book?

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From Chapter 1 "The First Few Days: Functioning in Shock"

Page 11 "...I felt confused, isolated. all this was the real thing--not a dress rehearsal. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to rewind the film that was ending so tragically. I wanted the control I have as a writer when things go awry...to edit, delete or rewrite until the story would fall back in line with my plans. I kept thinking...Wait a minute! Maybe this is a dream. This can't really be happening! But it was. Undaunted by my protests, time marched on. Bruce had died suddenly, of cardiac arrhythmia, without pain and without any history of heart disease. He was 60.
"I was a widow. I was 55."

Page 26 "From reading so far, you might think I was a paragon, always upbeat and grateful for small favors those first days. I recall a few moments I did think, "This isn't as bad as I thought it would be," or "I'm really doing great!" Then, without warning, Wham! Bam! I felt like hell, in spite of my protective bubble. There were times I thought I would never laugh again, or ever be strong enough to survive grieving, or have enough money to feed myself, or have any friends left because most of ours were couples. My head ached, my eyes burned, my heart felt leaden. My stomach rebelled at the thought of food; sleep became a rare commodity and the future loomed like a massive pit full of insurmountable problems."

From Chapter 2 "The Beginnings of Grief: A Necessary but Painful Process"

Page 31 "...I woke up with a start, just as I had every night for a week. I suppose we all do that, at least those of us who witnessed an unexpected death. I had to relive the terror and rehash every minute detail of that first half-hour or so as if my mind were a VCR stuck on 'play.' It was terrifying; I became afraid to doze off. Was it only seven days ago, I thought? It seemed more like seven weeks; the days moved along like cold molasses...."

"Would I ever feel comfortable sleeping in this bed where he died? Would I ever sleep through the night again? Would I ever think clearly again? Would I ever feel normal again?"

Page 33 "There is an old saying, 'No one's so poor as the new widow.' It's true that financial uncertainty is a root cause of our early fears, regardless of our actual income. You'll feel better once you start dealing with the situation, though, instead of just worrying about it. Here is a list of suggestions, lifesavers to help you stay afloat financially until you learn to swim in your strange new pool.

Do a quick accounting of cash on hand, including checking and savings account(s)...
Estimate how much money you will need during these first weeks...
Check your tax calendar for approaching deadlines....(etc.)

From Chapter 4 "Stages of Grief: The Work We Must Do"

Page 65 "Maggie, young and recently widowed, said, "Anger is a very visceral emotion. It helps if I can verbalize that I am angry, even when I can't carry a discussion any further right then.... I remember crying to my mother [when her nearly comatose husband recognized others, but not her] 'I think he's mad at me. He won't talk to me. Well, I'm mad at him, too!"
"Who among us wouldn't feel hurt and abandoned in such a case? Whether you become angry at your husband for causing you pain or for leaving you with insufficient funds or for character flaws while he was alive, or just for dying, it is entirely natural. We are expected to feel anger and, according to most experts, we will get over it best by venting it occasionally rather than letting it stew inside until it erupts in some unhealthy, unforeseen way....

From Chapter 5 "Holidays and Anniversaries: Marking Them in New Ways"

Page 81 "When faced with a holiday that had special meaning for the two of you, or one that always prompted a loving gift from your spouse, you can choose how to handle it. You can sulk, which is tempting but not helpful, or you can deny your concern and just keep yourself real busy, which at least postpones the misery. But it might be better to face your emptiness. There are various ways to do that, some selfish and some unselfish. Selfishness isn't always bad; it can serve to help glide you over otherwise rough waters.

"Be selfish: For this brief time, think primarily of your self and your own needs. Do whatever YOU want to do for the day. Some ideas:

Pamper yourself with a visit to the beauty salon or massage therapist.
Loll around all day in your lace nighty, or read a trashy novel while soaking in a bubble bath...." etc.

"Be unselfish. Look outward instead of inward, and try to make the holiday special for someone else. If you have healed enough to be able to consider the needs of others, this often provides good therapy.

Help a granddaughter bake a three-layer heart cake for her parents on Valentine's Day.
Make dozens of Easter corsages and boutonnieres for residents of your local nursing home.
Baby-sit for a single mother, so she can go Christmas shopping, or prepare Thanksgiving dinner.... etc.

Page 118 "My sister Joan didn't overload me with advice about learning to live alone when I was widowed, but she did make a few memorable suggestions. For example, she said, "When the car or furnace, or whatever, gives you problems--give it a swift kick! Nobody wants all this responsibility, and it isn't fair."

"...Next to banging your head against a wall, the stupidest thing you can do is resent your husband for leaving you with his chores. Both are pointless pursuits, and in both cases it feels great when you stop!"

Page 193 "Ever since Norman Cousins published his famous Anatomy of an Illness, fun, laughter and pleasure have gained respect within medical and psychological circles.... "What seems clear," he said, "is that laughter is an antidote to apprehension and panic. As such, its value is not less than that of the fire extinguisher that puts out the flame." ...Therefore I [Annie] prescribe large doses of fun for everyone and double doses for grieving widows, so that our bodies can fight off the potential ravages of intense chronic stress.

"Rx: Laughter: One dose two times per day to start. Increase size and frequency of dosage as it becomes easier to swallow."

Page 243 "Congratulations! You get to make all your own decisions from now on...like it or not. I always assumed [it] would be simpler for a single person than for a married one. No need to "waffle" or "accommodate" to keep another person happy. With only one person, you only have to worry about one point of view, one ego, one set of values, etc. There would be no arguments, no resentment about decisions that were made in opposition to your views. You were going to win them all!

Page 303 In the loss of a husband to death, I could never say that you could avoid pain or even that you could avoid suffering. But I believe each of us can decide whether we will (1) deal with our grief and then prepare to get on with our new life, or (2) choose to make suffering itself our new way of life.
"Although some days it seems that our suffering will never end, most of us in this book have chosen path one. We hope you will, too.
"Our message to you: Don't be afraid to grieve; but as time goes on, don't be afraid to live."